One of my chores at work is to on occasion produce a piece for the company newsletter, the following is one that I submitted and to my surprise it was not printed.




The Company Car



Written by Stephen J Carlyon


The company car is an amazing thing; it can travel for months without oil or coolant. The company car has been known to run for many miles on a flat tire and only when sparks appear from the rim should a tire be changed and then only after calling the company service people to come out and do the dirty work.

The company car can go from 0-60 in under 8 seconds and if it cant it must need a tune up at company expense, the company car can double as a bulldozer to push large object out of the way. It goes without saying that the company car is also fitted with the worlds best four wheel drive ability and can go places you would never dream of taking any ordinary car.

The company car can also go great distances when the low fuel light is on, and anyway should it actually run out of gas you can always call your supervisor to come out on that snowy, windy night to the back of beyond with a gas can full of fuel.

The company car can of course go from doing 50 mph in one direction to reverse just by changing the gear selection. The company car can mount curbs with a single bound and carry loads many a tractor-trailer would never carry.

The company car is a marvel of modern technology; it can protect you in a crash even when you don’t put on your seat belt. Just an aside, the company insurance company will also pay any damages done even when you don’t bother to tell the company about the 20 speeding tickets you got last week. This is truly an amazing thing to behold, the normal rules of the road of course do not apply when driving the company car and stop signs are purely advisory. The company car makes a great street racer as well so you can cheerfully drag all those rice burners at the lights.

So, in conclusion knock yourself out, it is only a company car. The only downer? The boss takes the costs out of your pay.